I am just back from a walk out there in the streets. I was feeling so ashamed of myself...
You know I have a son and so it makes my wife a mother.
It was mothers day and I was pretty much a failure. I have read that thread during the family celebration and I have been busy a little bit processing new information. I logged off and took a break but I never left.
So from now on I have to find a way to make myself more offering because the celebration day of giving me my son I was not doing great. I had the feeling of being a real larva.
Well I will give her something else. Something I will do for her everyday for a year and beyond!
I have something for myself coming soon. I am planning to join a citizen patrol group in my town! That will hopefully make me through a lot of new experiences around town and make me meet people and hear their stories. I also go to the church every now and then but I do not meet much people there so far... Only thing is that I want to get started somewhere.
Well I can say that I am alive and nothing for months made me think my life was endangered by anything or anyone...
Every single seconds of my life is a paranoid pain in the brain that makes me feel like I am always in danger. I am schizophrenic and before the DSM-V it was called paranoid schizophrenia the one I have. It saved my life many times! Everybody is a suspect of anything I can imagine against me. If it is possible then any of you can be capable of it. I am watching myself...
But in a serious matter, it has been a while I felt endangered.
I was really bothered lately and it made me take a short break. I receive death threat every now and then on the internet. Sometime I hear them IRL. Hey they come to me and they say "Watch yourself" ... I had a lot of direct threat in my life and at some point I feel like it never ends. I always hear the same [beep
] and it makes me feel the whole world is the same dumb mind everywhere.
There are people in this world, they want me dead and they told me.
Somehow, for some reasons, someone though of it like it was done and I do not know why?
I lived in a town for 8 years where I was called a dead man so many times. Serious people. I am not surprised because it has happened multiple time in my life that I became a dead man for some people. Actually right now at some places, for some people, I AM DEAD...
But not here. I do not know what will be the lifetime of my presence here and I now have... doubts... but I will work on figuring out what is I have to figure out so I do my job as said. I am trying to keep and respect my words. A while ago I promised to people and I am working on it. I have my personal mission but I also have professional tasks around the ufology community. I believe in alien disclosure and I take upon myself to do what I think prepare it well, for some people...
A field analysis of a new ground take up to 24 months with me. I joined one year ago and I am half way understanding the community. three or four years ago I went in other forums and it was [beep
] crappy [beep
]. But I had a job to do about sharing and I googled "ufo forum" and found aliendisc. I realized quickly that it would go well for me and I was right so far. I wrote a few private messages with my pitch but mysteriously my first day here is pretty blurry in my head. I checked first what was about having an adapted response from the administration and I found that disclosure and freedom of speech is something we mean.
I am scared I did one mistake I do often... I am worried that I promised more than I did. I normally make one year deal sometime 2 years deal. I do not know why, but I do not remember any of my private messages that day but I remember having those and deleting them after a while so I could forget about it. I planned things in advance more than you guys has realized.
The last year and all its events concerning me... Some people were aware before, all of them... But the thing is that now I am done with my demonstration or almost. I find myself with a question ahead of me. WHAT NOW? I don't know...
Things has been so [beep
] weird around my [beep
] head lately. I am doing something that scares the [beep
] out of me concerning the greys and I know some people are watching it so I am uncomfortable but I have to. I got something to fix and I have a lead on something that seems to work better. I am not yet in total peace. I don't even know if I can or if I should. There is a fight out there!
Building a paradiese in this world...
That is the number of this post for me
I may still be technologically amnesiac to forget most of all you want me to say but when we say, "not now" ... Take it so you don't lose it later. Rules rules rules... I have all authorizations to speak up in my story and so far I never had much problem doing it. I would say that I always felt like the world around me was calling me for it! I am allowed to talk but not to remember... Later meat and potatoes...
For now I am just trying to figure out the truth with the piece of puzzle I got and the ones I get from sharing with people... I remembered a few details, not the bulk but at least the big lines I needed to do my employment. Everything I wrote is not much...
Everything is scheduled and planned so I am tired of this story... Disclosure will happen!
After all the dead words maybe the time of a little bit of a good alien should help the mood! In 2019 you can call yourself what you want why not? I feel like even as a total human I am weird enough to call myself an alien and different so I am Xeno.
You know what?
I am just writing because I can
I can write because I am alive.
Alive and taking a break after an unexpected information.